Empathy can do WHAT????
We recently held a program for senior leaders, and something really stood out to us. Everyone is really burnt out and struggling with energy. We’ve all been through the wringer for nearly two years now, and frankly, we’re exhausted. Everyone’s looking for ways to power through.
What if we told you that there’s a secret weapon that produces energy, happiness, and productivity AND keeps you primed and ready to keep moving forward no matter what’s thrown your way?
What if that thing was empathy? Now, we know what you’re thinking. “What? Empathy?” But it’s true. Empathy is a superpower of sorts that doesn’t just benefit the person you’re expressing empathy towards. It helps you, too.
A Little Background on Empathy
Often, when we think of empathy, we think of “emotional empathy,” which deals with feeling others’ emotions, but that isn’t the full story.
There are actually three types of empathy, and it’s important to know them all so that we’re not only engaging in “emotional empathy,” which is the most physically and mentally taxing of all types of empathy.
The three types of empathy are:
Cognitive empathy: This is the ability to understand another person’s perspective — to think about another person’s feelings rather than feeling them directly. When you employ cognitive empathy, you masterfully leverage your executive functions and can combine your thoughts with another’s feelings and process them in a way that is helpful to both of you.
Cognitive empathy helps you put yourself in the other person’s shoes. But it doesn’t help the other person feel like you’re connected. In other words, it just means you understand. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing anything about it.
For example: “I’m really sorry to hear about your mother. I know that must be hard for you.”
Emotional empathy: This is what most people think about when they hear or see the word “empathy.” It deals with the ability to feel what others feel quickly without thinking about it too deeply. It comes from the ancient parts of our brains, which include:
- the amygdala
- the hypothalamus
- the hippocampus
- the orbitofrontal cortex
For example: When Joe’s mother passes away, you feel a part of his grief as if it’s your own.
Empathetic concern: This is the trickiest of the three types, but when you do it well, it positively impacts everyone. Empathetic concern is the ability to sense what another person needs from you. Employing empathetic concern activates two parts of our brains at the same time:
- the amygdala (which senses danger)
- the prefrontal cortex (which releases oxytocin, the chemical for caring)
When both areas are triggered, we can experience the distress of another as our own, and then decide if we care enough about the other person’s well-being to meet their needs. It’s sort of a blend of the other two types of empathy.
When mastered, you can understand what the person is going through and give them what they need. This prevents us from being too indifferent and from caring too much.
To stay afloat, we have to learn to balance emotional empathy with cognitive empathy. We must also learn how to manage our personal distress without numbing ourselves to the pain of others.
For Example: “Clearly, this is a hard time, and you have a lot of stuff on your plate. Why don’t we shift some of this work to someone else?” Essentially, you cut the person some slack while maintaining objectivity.
Empathy is on the Decline, but Why?
One study by the University of Michigan examined how college students’ scores on the IRI (Interpersonal Reactivity Index) changed between 1979 and 2009. They found that empathetic concern dropped by 48%, and people’s ability to imagine others’ points of view dropped by 34%.
The researchers noticed the sharpest decline happened after 2000. While they didn’t dive into the reasons for this drop, they did speculate that things like increasing narcissism, growing prevalence of media and technology, declining family sizes (because having siblings might have an impact on empathy), and a stronger pressure to succeed can all contribute to a lower rate of overall empathy.
Many other experts place the blame for this rapid decline in empathy squarely on technology. And we tend to agree because there’s a lot of brain science to back up this idea.
Our Brains on Empathy
Look, technology isn’t all bad. It helps us collect and organize data and understand our thought processes. It’s accessible, personalized, and efficient, and it provides us with immediate gratification and rewards (something our brains love).
Our brains are data collection machines that crave efficiency to conserve energy. Technology helps us achieve peak efficiency by improving our brain patterns, organizing our habits, and optimizing our lives.
But we’ve become more transactional as a society. We’re used to frictionless activities, hacking our lives, and instant results. We’ve started viewing everything as a transaction, and we’re constantly wondering, “What’s in it for me?”
Our empathy deficit gets even worse when we’re short on time or energy. When we’re burnt out and low on resources, empathy seems like a silly transaction. It’s easy to think, “I don’t have time to dedicate to you or think about your problems. I have my own stuff going on.”
We believe the more transactional we are, the less empathetic we become.
This is because our brains turn towards getting things done versus connecting with others. The more we use technology, the more we crave the feel-good chemicals that come from task accomplishment and transactional-based activities. So, we avoid activities that we believe don’t provide that boost — like empathy.
In other words, our empathy muscles are weakening, and we think it’s time to build them back up, but this time, with a focus on empathetic concern. And this involves altering how we think about empathy.
We have to start viewing empathy as a rewarding activity rather than a resource-draining one. In fact, empathy has a strong positive impact on our brains:
- Practicing compassion increases the release of a lot of feel-good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin. So, much like a transactional accomplishment, being empathetic can give you a chemical boost.
- Empathy has also been proven to prevent and reduce burnout.
- Putting ourselves in others’ shoes also helps us get out of our own thinking patterns, which could be holding us back from new ideas. When we focus on things and people outside of ourselves, we can get out of our heads and out of our own way.
- Empathy is a pathway for connecting with others, and connection is a critical need for survival.
Also, it’s worth noting that our empathy problem isn’t just caused by technology. Our brains hate change, and when things are unfamiliar, we fill things in with worst-case scenario data. So, when someone presents us with a situation that requires empathy, our brains naturally fight it off. But unfamiliarity isn’t always a bad thing.
New problems and situations present opportunities to grow and expand. Here’s how you can super-charge your empathy and start reaping the rewards.
3 Tips for Activating Empathy
Tip One: See Me
The first step to building a more empathetic mind is to start recognizing and seeing the opportunity to empathize. True empathy requires present awareness. Start becoming aware of the distractions in your life that prevent you from being present.
Make a list of those distractions. Maybe it’s your phone, email, or the TV on in the background. Really tune into that self-awareness to find the areas that keep you from being with people in the moment.
Then, make a plan for handling these distractions. Once you start clearing them out, see if you notice when others are acting differently.
Tip Two: Hear Me
The next tool in building a more empathetic mind is to listen differently. Most people think they’re good listeners. Often, people employ “active listening” techniques like nodding, verbalizing, and repeating, especially since good listening has been defined as:
- Not talking when others are speaking
- Making facial expressions or sounds to let them know you’re listening
- Repeating back what you’ve just heard
And while these might make you seem like a good listener, there’s a difference between “active listening” and “empathetic listening.” In “empathetic listening,” you’re trying to actually hear and absorb what the person is saying.
Tip three: Empathetically Listen
To empathetically listen, there are four other listening attributes you should incorporate into your interactions with others.
- Ask probing questions. What are you genuinely curious about? What questions might promote discovery or personal insights for either person involved?
- Make the conversation a positive experience for the other person. Create a safe environment, and provide support for or acknowledgment of what you are hearing.
- Make it a cooperative conversation. In other words, you should aim to help versus win or be right. Work to explore together.
- Make suggestions. But, don’t try to solve a person’s problems without their consent. Instead, ask if a suggestion would be welcome. (For example: “I have a couple of ideas to share, would that be helpful?”)
When we have an empathetic mind, we’re not trying to solve a problem. Instead, we’re trying to connect with another person. With empathetic listening, it’s about connecting and being available — not solving problems. As a result, it’s a lot less draining.
For example, you may have an employee who isn’t happy about the decision to return to the office. Ask them why they aren’t happy. Maybe they’ll say something like, “I want to have more time with my family.” Even if your company policy is iron-clad, you can still practice empathetic listening and concern.
Respond with something like, “I totally get that. Unfortunately, our policy is pretty set in stone. Do you have any thoughts about how we can help you feel more connected to your family?” Practicing empathy allows you to open up the dialogue for shared ideas.
If they’re open to other suggestions, you can say things like: “What if we make your lunch break align with the time when your kids get off from school, so you get more time with them? Or perhaps we can place your lunch break at the end of the day, which will allow you to leave earlier? What if we allowed you to work from home part-time?”
Show that you hear them and empathize with their situation, even if you can’t give them exactly what they want.
Battling Burnout with Empathy
Though it may seem counterintuitive to managing burnout, slowing down and being more empathetic could be just what our brains are craving after months of turmoil and volatility
What are some of the ways you practice empathy with your employees? Why do you think empathy continues to decrease as the years go on? Tell us your thoughts in the comments, or connect with us on LinkedIn to join the discussion.
If you’re interested in a speaking engagement or a workshop on building an empathetic mind for your leadership team, please contact us directly.
